it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
