I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
