My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
