I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
