I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
