ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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