Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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