Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
