i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
