he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
