I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
