Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
