I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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