my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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