I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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