i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
