Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
