I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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