i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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