i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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