I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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