There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
