I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
