This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
