Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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