since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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