Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
