Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
