At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
ttyl tear gas
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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