If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
