So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
