Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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