my vag is so smooth its legendary
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
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