I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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