I think I won the penis lottery.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
