So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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