Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
