life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
