I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
there was a trapeze. enough said
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
