His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
