Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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