normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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