My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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