Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
