i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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