He disabled his match.com account in front of me
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
