So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
