there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
