last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
