textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
