And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize