toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
