I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
