My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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