I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
and she was petting her beer can
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
