I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize