Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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