im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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