At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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