It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
