Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
