Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
