They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
